You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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