She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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