Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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