I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
