Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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