I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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