i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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