my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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