you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
