I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
