please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
