ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
You smell like a Billy Joel song
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
