I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
