I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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