dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
