I just made out with a guy for $7.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
