I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
