Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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