dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
