i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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