probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
