yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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