Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
