yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
