Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
