I just cut my nipple shaving
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
