you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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