The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
