Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
