its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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