All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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