they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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