my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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