Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
