the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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