do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
