I'm really into asian looking animals
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
