The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
