and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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