I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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