I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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