i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
