I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
