DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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