I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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