I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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