He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
