And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
