I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
