First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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