I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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